• Skip to main content
  • Skip to footer
National Coalition for Sexual Health (NCSH)
  • Contact Us
  • Home
  • About Us
    • Goals & Values
    • Our Members
    • Staff
    • Contact Us
  • Learn About Sexual Health
    • What is Sexual Health?
    • Audience Profiles
    • Research Products
  • Sexual Health Resources
    • For the Public
      • Quiz: How’s Your Sexual Health?
      • A Guide to Sexual Concerns and Pleasure
      • Chlamydia and Gonorrhea Testing: More Than Just Genitals
      • Sexual Health Quick Tips
      • Take Charge of Your Sexual Health: What you need to know about preventive services
        • What Are Preventive Sexual Health Services?
          • Preventive Services for Transgender & Gender-Expansive Individuals
          • Preventive Services for People with a Vagina/Vulva
          • Preventive Services for People with a Penis
        • What is Good Sexual Health and How Do I Achieve It?
        • How Can I Talk with My Health Care Provider About Sexual Health?
          • What Types of Health Care Providers Address Sexual Health?
          • What to Look for in a Sexual Health Care Provider
          • How Do I Bring Up the Topic?
          • What Kinds of Questions Should I Ask?
          • What Questions Might My Health Care Provider Ask Me?
        • Resources
          • Affordable Care Act Coverage
          • Where Can I Learn More?
            • Finding a Provider or Clinic
            • HIV, STIs, and Viral Hepatitis
            • Intimate Partner Violence
            • Contraceptives
            • Teens & Young Adults
            • Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender
            • Older Adults
      • Mpox Vaccine: Promotion Materials Toolkit
      • Five Action Steps to Good Sexual Health
        • Value Who You Are and Decide What’s Right For You
        • Get Smart About Your Body and Protect It
        • Treat Your Partners Well and Expect Them to Treat You Well
        • Build Positive Relationships
        • Make Sexual Health Part of Your Health Care Routine
      • Talking with the Public about Sexual Health Message Frameworks
    • For Providers
      • Clinician Guide for Trauma-Informed Care
      • Inclusive Sexual Health Services: Practical Guidelines for Providers & Clinics
      • A New Approach to Sexual History Taking: A Video Series
      • Sexual Health and Your Patients: A Provider’s Guide
      • Sexual Health Questions to Ask All Patients
      • Sexual Health and Your Patients: Pocket Cards
      • Compendium of Sexual & Reproductive Health Resources for Healthcare Providers
      • Mpox Vaccine: Promotion Materials Toolkit
      • Take Charge of Your Sexual Health: What you need to know about preventive services
      • Talking with the Public about Sexual Health: Message Frameworks
    • Promotional Materials
  • Recursos en Español
    • Tome el control de su salud sexual
    • Consejos rápidos sobre la salud sexual
    • Gráficos para compartir
    • Preguntas sobre la salud sexual para todos los pacientes
  • Media
    • Sexual Health in the News
    • News Archive
    • Media Inquiries
    • Press Releases
  • Get Involved
    • Social Media Campaign
    • Shareable Graphics
    • Joining the Coalition

Media Center

Dating with an STI: How to Manage the Conversation

Sep 15, 2015   ·  Chicago Tribune   ·  Link to Article

Other News This Week

Sexually transmitted infections can be difficult to discuss when starting a new relationship. Experts advise you to keep the conversation straightforward and drama-free. (Tetra Images)

Alison BowenContact Reporter Chicago Tribune

STIs and relationships: Some believe 'they will never be able to date again'

Bringing up sex before, well, having sex can be awkward.

There's the potential of being presumptuous — maybe the person sitting across from you stirring her cocktail has plans to go home and watch Netflix, not continue the night with you.

And talking about sex inevitably brings with it a fleet of other personal topics. Add a sexually transmitted disease to the equation, and that conversation can seem impossible to imagine.

Dating with a sexually transmitted infection, or STI, can be difficult. But it also might be getting easier as the stigma slowly ebbs, experts say.

(The CDC reports that the terms STD and STI are often used interchangeably but that, medically, infections are only called diseases when they cause symptoms. Many STIs don't.)

Jenelle Marie Davis, founder of The STD Project, which aims to eradicate the stigma, said people often call her organization after a diagnosis, worried about what it means for their dating life.

"Folks just believe that they will never be able to date again," Davis said. "It's terrifying initially."

But in reality, they are not alone — according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 110 million sexually transmitted infections exist in the U.S.

In more than 20 years as a San Diego licensed marriage and family therapist, Sarah Cook Ruggera said nearly everyone she encounters has some type.

"They're hesitant to disclose, share, because of the shame factor," she said. But as more people are talking openly about it, she added, "it can be more normalized."

Honesty rules

Honesty, trust and communication are key components in a relationship — and having an STI doesn't change that, Ruggera said.

Telling a partner about health concerns that can affect him or her is always an imperative, experts said. But how much to disclose, or when, can depend on the case. There's a big difference between a past infection that has been treated and cured, and something lifelong, said Susan Gilbert, communications director for the National Coalition for Sexual Health, which provides sexual health information and aims to encourage dialogue about the topic.

"I really think that's an individual choice," Gilbert said. "What is important is (asking), is this an STI that you currently have?"

For example, chlamydia, syphilis or gonorrhea might have been encountered and addressed, the NCSH notes, but viral infections like HIV or genital herpes are lifelong health issues.

"If you follow the treatments (and) the doctor said it's safe for you to engage in sexual activity, then I think you can go about your life," Gilbert said.

In other words, if you were successfully treated for gonorrhea six years ago, you might be in the clear to leave that out of small talk. But if it's something that sticks around, you need to bring it up.

Getting past your fears

First, get over the fear, said Davis, who has herpes. Never, she said, has that stopped someone from wanting to have sex with her.

But the stigma can create nervousness, she acknowledged, not helped by persistent stereotypes and misinformation.

"It's often used as a punch line," she said. "It's used as a way to defame someone: 'That person sleeps around — I'm sure they have an STD.'"

And, despite growing awareness, negative reactions can't be ruled out.

"The first and most negative reaction that ends up hurting people's feelings is (being asked), 'How many people have you slept with?'" Davis said.

Like anything else — your physical appearance, your income, your job — know that someone who isn't OK with what you bring to the table isn't for you, Davis added.

Those anxious about addressing the topic with a potential suitor might want to consider dating sites that cater to those with STDs, including PositiveSingles.com and STDFriends.com. Ruggera said her clients often gravitate toward those.

Davis agreed that these sites can be a good step into the dating pool. But, she cautioned, "I do not think that we need to self-segregate."

Having the conversation

As for telling a partner about your situation? It's a must before anything progresses to the sexual realm. Just don't panic — it doesn't need to be a first-date conversation, experts agreed.

Some people might not want to invest emotional energy just to find out someone is turned off by their disclosure. (Besides, there's no guarantee you'll want to get past the first date.) But others, like Davis, are willing to take that risk in the interest of getting to know someone better.

"Nobody puts all their cards out on the table on a first date," Davis said.

But on the flip side, don't have the conversation the same time you're breathlessly debating whether you need a condom.

"It can be obviously very awkward and kill the moment if you disclose that in the heat of the moment," said Lisa Guiterman, communications consultant with the National Coalition for Sexual Health.

Dr. Edward W. Hook, director of the Division of Infectious Diseases at the University of Alabama at Birmingham Medical Center, said this conversation should be as simple as discussing the flu.

"We take vitamins for our health, we go to the doctor's office for checkups, and nobody has any trouble talking about that," Hook said.

Just keep it short, sweet and drama-free — which starts with choosing the proper setting.

"You definitely don't want to do it at dinner in a public place," Davis advised. "You're putting someone on the spot, and then they don't know how to react."

Experts agree that maintaining normalcy and simplicity is key.

"It seems more of a doom and gloom if you make it this big, drawn-out conversation, when it's really an exchange of information," Davis said.

The Los Angeles HELP support center for people with herpes suggests language like, "I really feel I can trust you, and I want to tell you something very personal. Last year, I found out I have genital herpes. It's not as serious as it sounds. Can I tell you about it?"

For those tempted to skim over the topic, consider that you're affecting your partner's health as well as your own — and that it could backfire.

"It's going to be risky if you don't say it right away," Ruggera said. If someone discovers it later, she noted, "then it becomes an integrity issue."

Safe sex still matters

Experts urge both patients and partners to take precautions. The National Coalition for Sexual Health advises that, after abstinence, condoms are the best method to reduce the risk of transmitting STDs. If you don't know your own status, or that of your partner, use condoms every time, Gilbert said.

Bacterial infections like chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are usually easily cured with simple antibiotics, Gilbert said. Similar simple steps can help with parasitic infections, like pubic lice, scabies and Trichomonas.

Trickier are viral infections like herpes, which can't be cured, but where the focus is treatment and medication.

And take extra precautions — for example, if you have herpes and have an outbreak, refrain from sex to lessen the risk to your partner.

If you have a bacterial infection, Gilbert added, make sure you and your partner are both finished with treatment before sex, so that you don't pass it back and forth.

Ruggera said challenges in dating might change depending on age. Older daters might be more hesitant to share that they have an STD, she said, especially after divorce.

"Between the husband and wife, the STD was kept private, confidential," she said. "When you get divorced, all of a sudden you have to share that part of you, that information, with someone else."

But taking precautions — and losing the stigma — remains the same no matter the age.

Sexual health begins with getting tested, experts said. Then, openness with your partner.

"That's hard to do, but it's very helpful, and it's a great basis for starting a relationship," Hook said.

abowen@tribpub.com

Twitter @byalisonbowen

News Archives

  • Sexual Health in the News
  • News Archive
  • Media Inquiries
  • Press Releases
NCSH Fact Sheet

Media Inquiries

For general media inquiries about sexual health topics and/or to schedule an interview with one of our experts, please contact Susan Gilbert, NCSH Co-Director, at 
susan.gilbert@altarum.org

Get the News in Your Inbox

Footer

  • Five Action Steps to Good Sexual Health

    Go to Website
  • Take Charge of Your Sexual Health

    All about preventive services (English and Spanish) Go to Website

    Go to Website
  • COVID-19 and Sexual Health

    Practical advice to help you protect your sexual health Go to Website

    Go to Website

It’s about honesty. It’s about knowledge. It’s about time.

  • Home
  • About
  • What is Sexual Health?
  • For the Public
  • For Providers
  • Recursos en Español
  • Media
  • Get Involved
  • Contact Us
Copyright © · National Coalition for Sexual Health · All Rights Reserved

Privacy Policy Accessibility Statement Sitemap

iHealthspot Medical Website Design and Medical Marketing by iHealthSpot.com